ME? ME? ME?

ME?
So many times, if not always, I ask "What about ME?"
I ask what I can do to pay MY bills; I ask what I can do that would make ME happy; I ask what changes I can make that would make things better for ME; I ask what am I doing or going to do that makes ME feel good about ME trying to glorify God; I don’t want to sing at church unless it is a song that moves ME; I try to make things I’m involved in as interesting as I can so that it doesn’t reflect poorly on ME.
But why is it about ME?
Why won't I allow myself to focus on God?
Why when I do things at the church to I focus on what I am doing and dismiss the fact that it is not ME but God working threw ME.
Why when projects are good or well received do I think I did a good job and when things go wrong or are not perfect do I think there is something else I could have done? When there is not 100 percent of the people at our church 100 percent happy about something, why do I take it personally? Why ME? ME? ME?
For the past few months I have been trying to step back from the church and trying to fade in the background. Trying to not be involved in every little thing and trying not to rock the boat with MY opinions.
As many of the people that know me and see me daily have heard, Marc and Sherry Lewis (friends of mine from school) are getting ready to head back to Thailand as missionaries. I hate to see them leave the country, but honestly am so proud of them. Not because of what they are doing, but because of the amount of faith they are able to put in God.
It is one thing to say God is in control, but a different thing to actually live your life with God ACTUALLY in control.
And again I have to ask, “What does God want with ME, how am I not putting God’s wishes before MY own?”
Then the reality of it shows itself; God’s glory is GOD’S glory. I can only prepare myself so that HE can use me; so that HE can draw people to HIM; so that HE can allow me to witness HIS glorious actions.
The feeling of, well for lack of a better term, jealousies I have for those doing God’s will abroad is a wake up call that I must answer. I know everyone can’t go to foreign countries and I know I have a part here in Fitzgerald to play where God can and will glorify HIMSELF, everyday while I am right here.
But I can prepare myself, prayerfully asking God to show me what I need to do.
A few months ago our preacher used an analogy of grapes and how you’d toss out the bad ones and only use the good ones. I don’t want to be a bad grape. Call it pride or whatever, but I want to be the best grape, used to make the best wine or jellies – a used grape.
There it is.
Sitting on the shelf and gathering dust is how I allow myself to be and feel. And all the work and whatever I put into things at the church, I can’t help but feel it is empty because so many times it is ME putting in all I have. I fail too many times to see what GOD has to offer and to acknowledge that all ME is not enough.
God has a plan for ME. I know this and I know it is a wonderful plan. God is in control regardless of whether I think I am or not and I know one day all the questions I have will be answered. I know this and it is a fact that helps keep me. I know that questioning myself, who I am – what I am, is good and evaluations help us move forward rather than sitting still of falling backward. I know that when I fall God will catch me. And I know that I am not the only one ever to feel or think this way. I know in God’s time He will plant me where He wants me and this may be it. I know that HE will prepare me according to HIS plan.
And it is these last few sentences that I have to hold on to because I know it to be true and in HIS word.