JUDGEMENT

As anyone who know me, and most likely anyone who has read this blog knows, for the past few months - no at least a year I have had a few issues bothering me at church.

The problems I have is best summed up in one word and that word is judgement.

I have a problem, as most do I am sure, of being judged. I don't like feeling as though I am under some kind of microscope and every action, thought, or desire is left unprotected and open to the scrutiny of those which would dem themselves worthy to be my judge. Simply typing this out starts my blood to boil and for what?

Intellectually I know the opinions of others are worthless and should bear no weight on me or my spirit. But emotionally I can't fight it. Emotionally I want to rage a vicious attack back at what I'd like to call my enemies. But intellectually I refuse to call these people my enemy and call them fellow church members. It seems wrong on many levels. But it is the emotional defeat spilling over into a spiritual battle.

But just as those sitting in judgement over me, I too sit in judgement. And how fair is that for me judge those back for judging me? How fair is it for me to sit and think or worse voice my opinions and fuss when word gets back to me about judgements made against me.

It is a battle that spins out of control, pulling everyone involved into a pit and for the past while, I have found myself in that pit without the desire to crawl out.

I have tried to limit the interaction I have with those I know judge me and those close to me.

I have declined opportunities to go to worship, fellowship, or church functions; just to stay away from those I know judge me.

I have entertained the idea of leaving the church, not finding a different one. Leaving so that my path would no longer cross those I know judge me.

But still, even with all this effort, I still feel judged. I am still judged. And worse, I still judge.

I can not do anything about the actions of others.
I can not change their opinions or what I have called "Church Politics" and those that practice it.
I do not have the right to judge them and declare what is right and what is wrong no more that I would give them the right to do it to me.

All I can do is watch my actions and my mouth.
I can keep my opinions focused on one question, "does it glorify God?"
I do have the right to not care what others do, think, or say. And maybe in time I will allow these people back in my circle and value their friendship. Maybe one day I will grow to a place where my judgement is not justified by their judgement. And maybe one day judgement will not be the battle it is with me today.

The problem is not a problem I have with someone else, though I know we can all improve. The problem is with me. I have the problem.